The bitching is back

Yesterday was all very fluffy and calm, wasn't it? Don't worry, we're back on the good stuff now.

Dave Oscroft of Neighbour wanted to let me know about a piece of copywriting that drives him mad. It's this one. And I can't say I blame him. Here's what he said:

"Sometimes I think copywriters can try and make themselves known too much, if you know what I mean. Trying to make copy sound like someone's 'thought about it' can sometimes make it sound really amateur. Not sure if you've seen an ad for a snowboard company, not sure of the brand or anything helpful like that, but it's on the tube at Tottenham Court Road, Central Line, heading east. It's a big load of copy on an ad that sounds so smug and 'copywritten' it made me want to read the London Paper just to avert my eyes... it's everything I hate about copywriting!"

I think he's absolutely right. Here's the copy close up:

On the one hand, this is easy prey, isn't it? How much of this sort of dross is there in the world of commercial communications? But still: it matters. It certainly matters to Dave. And quite right too: it's shit. It's like someone stuffed a Howies catalogue and an old Blackadder video into an Innocent blender and hoped for the best.

I don't think we need dissect it much further (tempted as I am). But I will point out that whoever wrote it clearly doesn't understand the phrase "beg to differ". Either that, or they don't know how to use their "but" properly. And the moment one finds oneself writing the line, "'All right, Smarty-Salopettes,'" is a moment to lay the keyboard aside and have a long lie down.

Easy (and fun) as it is to mock and sneer, what's nice about this story is that it proves people care about words. There's a myth that no one reads body copy any more, but Dave did. And it got a reaction. Because he does read, and he does care. He is rightly pissed off when a brand subjects him to this sort of patronising, sub-standard nonsense.

It's just a shame that it's usually the bad stuff that catches our attention. The aforementioned Howies and Innocent are both examples of brands whose writing is so good people notice and comment. But good copy, like good design, is often about getting out of the way and letting the message come through. Which means you often don't even notice how good it is. As Orwell famously said, "Good prose is like a windowpane."

Sometimes, though, you might want to decorate the windowpane. Which is great, as long as you can write so well that people enjoy your words for the sheer joy of the words themselves. But as this poster proves, you have to really, really know what you're doing.

Comments

[sigh9]

and they dangled a participle

[Rob Mortimer]

Like the 70s and 80s CDP ads but with all the charm and wit removed.

[Peter]

How right you are. Winced while reading this on the tube platform. Had the line not been electrified I would have attempted an act of altruistic vandalism. As with the latterday films of George Lucas, surely someone somewhere along the food chain could have raised subtle objections?

[Alex]

That makes me want to leave work now, just so I don't accidentally write "No Sir-ee!" before the day is done. Although I wouldn't mind going home anyway.

But in fairness, it does make me want to go snowboarding. And in Finland, too. So is it effective? I'd rather not think about it.

[Nick Asbury]

Well, I beg to differ but I think this copy is just ticketyboo, thanks for asking. Which I know you didn’t. But hey, what’s wrong with a bit of the old personality in the old copy thingy? Nothing when I last looked. (Which was just a minute ago, honest guv’nor!) That’s what us copywriters are for, innit? We introduce Mr. Copy to Mr. Personality – and before you know it the two of them are getting on like a house on you-know-what! (Don’t worry, the house isn’t really on fire. Don’t think so anyway!) Lovely jubbly. Right, I’m off for a lie down now! You take care now! Laters! Over and out! Help!

[Drew]

If the writer was any good, surely they wouldn't need 400 words to get their message across. I know TFL isn't brilliant, but I'd imagine a large proportion of readers would get halfway through before being gratefully interrupted by their train home. From a design point of view it's fairly grim too, but that's another story.

[Mike Reed]

Good point, Alex. There's clearly a very strong message in here - that there's guaranteed snow in Finland. And the headline joke - calling snow a 'little luxury' in that ironic way - does make the point, although it's done in a very hackneyed way.

It seems to me that the message is getting across *despite* the copy, however. And because the copy makes Neilson sound so crap, I think to myself, "Finland sounds great - but I'll go there with someone else."

[Mike Reed]

Drew, you're absolutely right. This ad could have been one knockout punch of a headline, rather than a slow and amateurish pummelling. And I don't think anyone would disagree with you about the design.

[Rob Mortimer]

Long copy can work when it is witty and engaging. But this is neither.

[Richard Madeley]

So odd to find myself wanting to comment on this. I'm not ‘in the business’ but I do obsess about good writing. When Orwell talks about prose being a windowpane I think he just means that prose should just sit easily on the ear. I guess it comes from the fact that Orwell’s writing stands apart from literature that foregrounded its own modernity. Great stylists, whether that’s Wodehouse, Chandler, or even somebody current like Martin Amis, write feature-rich prose full of character, colour, and (much maligned) control. Orwell would approve because, when executed by a real artist, it feels real.

The best bit of writing in advertising recently has been those slow motion BT adds, which is carried by effortless writing. Here you have the opposite. This ‘copy’, if I’m using the term right, is sallow. It’s also terribly forced and there’s no fluidity between sentences. This begins with a terrible attempt at humour and gets no better. 'Maketh'?!

It would have been better if they’d just written: Finland – where the snow’s green not yellow.

[Alicia]

Saying that 'the Greenhouse Effect has robbed us' sounds ridiculous. That nasty nasty greenhouse effect is ruining things for us humans. No fair! But it's ok, because we can fly to Finland and ski on floodlit slopes. Awesome!

What's more, the design and the words are completely at odds with each other- it looks like a finance ad.

[Tom]

The thing that's winding me up most about this is the pull quote.

For a number of reasons, but I think the main one relates to what previous commenters have said about cutting out the copy and just having a "there's snow in Finland" poster - the only reason I might (and did) read the main text is because I've been tricked by mischievous pull quotes before that have been completely unrelated to the story they are intending to advertise. This one is too related. And it's purple. Tricky game.